How to Cure Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion that tears relationships apart.

If you or someone you know suffers with jealousy, you have seen for yourself how damaging this emotion can be.

This feeling arises from the insecure belief that you are not good enough, that you are somehow inadequate, and, when you interpret your experiences to mean “you are not good enough”, it creates the reaction of Jealousy within you.

Jealousy is just one branch of a larger tree: the tree of Self-Doubt.

Jealousy is described in the dictionary as a ‘resentful longing’ for something aroused by someone else’s possessions.

As an example, if someone you know has a nicer home, car, and family than you, you may wish you had the same thing for yourself. However, if you don’t believe you have what it takes to create this for yourself, you will resent the fact that another person does.

You will resent this other person for having some power that you don’t.

Resentment comes from feeling powerless to change your unhappy situation while knowing that someone else can change theirs. It feels like injustice. To you it’s not fair that someone else can create something you can’t. It’s not fair that you are somehow lacking.

It’s easy to feel like a victim when you think someone has been given more power than you.

But power isn’t given, it’s developed. And YOU can develop it for yourself.

First, though, let’s discover the answer to the question,

“What is causing you to feel powerless?”

To answer this, let’s put it into a context. Say your spouse is enjoying a conversation with someone you think might be attractive to them. You can see that they’re enjoying each other’s company. In your eyes, this other person is now enjoying the kind of attention only you should be getting from your spouse and so, this rival has taken something from you… and you want it back.

The voice of Self-Doubt gets louder: “Perhaps this person has more power to attract your spouse than you do… Maybe they can take what they want and you’re powerless to do anything about it… Maybe you’re not good enough to keep your spouse. What is your spouse doing talking to this person anyway? Don’t they know that by giving all their attention to this person (who is so obviously better than you) they’re being disrespectful to you? Doesn’t your spouse know that, by talking to this person, they’re basically screaming to the world that you don’t measure up? This is treason! You spouse is betraying your trust by not keeping the fact that you’re not good enough a secret. This is a threat to you! Do something!

Naturally, this is all a crazy lie. It’s pure madness. If these are the kinds of thoughts you’ve had, know that they are a terrible distortion and completely untrue – the result of a twisted perception through the lens of Self-Doubt.

This way of thinking is part of a Scarcity Mindset: the mindset of “not enough” being redirected at yourself.

A mindset of “not enough” is a Mind that is set up in a way to draw comparisons between things in order to have the brain calculate for all the ways in which you come out lacking.

It seeks out and finds information that supports the idea that you are not enough, you do not have enough, and that you’ll never be or have enough.

The Unfair Comparison

One of the ways this mindset does this is by comparing the other person’s strengths with your weaknesses. You may experience this from the question, “What has s/he got that I haven’t got?”

This is a terribly unfair thing to do to anyone, especially yourself.

You are comparing apples to oranges. Strengths and weaknesses are two different things. It’s like asking, “What’s more valuable in a car – the gas pedal or the brake pedal?”. It all depends on the situation. Ultimately though, they are both of equal value.

If you ever compare yourself to another person, at least compare the same things: Strengths to Strengths and Weaknesses to Weaknesses.

Ask, “What has s/he got that I have too?”

Then ask, “ What have I got that s/he hasn’t got?”

This second question, while unfair, is a comparison in your favour. It accentuates your strengths, builds confidence and shows you the situations in which you are more apt to shine.

Do not allow yourself to draw comparisons between you and others in a way that renders you ‘weaker’ or ‘less-than’. All this does is feed your Self-Doubt. Your job is to starve your Self-Doubt and feed your Self-Confidence.

Self-Doubt is a parasite that sucks the life out of you. Don’t feed it anymore!

At the same time, keep in mind that what you DO is not who you are YOU are the DO-er. You are not the sum of your skills. You are the Developer of your skills. You have the ability to get better at anything you want to – it’s called “learning”. If you were unable to learn, you’d be dead by now. A human-being is a learning machine. You have the ability to learn to be really good at anything you set your mind and invest the time and effort into. You are good enough to get better at anything. You can learn the skills to be, do, and have anything any other person has. You are far from inadequate. You are incredible!

So, if you ever find yourself feeling jealous, here’s what you do:

1) Allow the feeling of Jealousy to be an alarm clock that wakes you up to the fact that you have allowed the parasite of Self-Doubt to sit in the driver’s seat of your perception and know that it has begun to steer your mind towards finding food (information) for it to survive. Kick it out of the Driver’s Seat! Starve it by seeking out food it can’t eat: food for Self-Confidence!

2) Feed your Self-Confidence by noticing your strengths.

3) Remember that you are always important in spite of all circumstances. The gas pedal and brake pedal do opposite things – where one is valuable the other is not; when one is required, the other is useless – however, BOTH are equally valuable. BOTH are part of a larger system called a “car”. You are part of a larger system called “Life”. You are an expression OF Life. Life expresses through you AS YOU as part of the larger balance of Nature. You are always important in spite of what the current situation is. Just because a car never gets a flat tire doesn’t mean that the spare tire and jack are not important. They just weren’t provided with an opportunity to shine. Their presence alone provides peace of mind. They don’t always have to DO, just BEING is enough. YOU are enough.

4) Remind yourself that you are not the sum of your skills. You are the Developer of your skills. Everyone uses their skills to get what they want in life. If there is something that you want but don’t have yet, you can develop the skillset required – you are that powerful! Accept that things take time and that’s what makes Life fulfilling. If you could just snap your fingers and have whatever you want all the time, you’d be completely bored and unfulfilled. Learning and developing new skills is what makes life fun and filled with purpose. Enjoy the journey.

5) Accept that you can’t truly change how you feel about yourself by trying to control other people’s behaviour. Saying that other people have to behave a certain way in order for you to feel good about yourself is sheer madness. You must control this feeling at its source – Your Perception. What you pay attention to forms the thoughts that become your feelings. Pay attention to what makes you important and know that what makes you important to others is how you help make their lives better. Be kind and know that your kindness is what draws people to you and keeps people near. If someone wants to leave your life, it’s their loss. You are awesome!


© 2014 Trent Janisch –


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